shawn wang y.x.

The Power of a Positive No

By Swyx on June 8th, 2010

One of the great arts in life is learning how to disagree without being disagreeable.

A summary of the book by William Ury, Cofounder of Harvard’s program on negotiation. This book completes what he has come to think of as a trilogy that began with Getting to Yes and continued with Getting Past No.

In Brief:

• Stage One: Prepare
• 1.1: Uncover Your Yes
• 1.2: Empower Your No
• 1.3: Respect Your Way to Yes
• Stage Two: Deliver
• 2.4: Express Your Yes
• 2.5: Assert Your No
• 2.6: Propose a Yes
• Stage Three: Follow Through
• 2.7: Stay True to Your Yes
• 2.8: Underscore Your No
• 2.9: Negotiate to Yes
• Conclusion: The Marriage of Yes and No

• The Great Gift of No
  • Sometimes we need to say a positive no to get to a bigger yes. No is today’s biggest challenge
  • The Three-A Trap – poor responses when we want to say no – is
  • Accommodating: We say yes when we want to say no
  • Attack: We say no poorly
  • Avoid: We say nothing at all
  • The way out is a Positive No: A positive no is delivered with “Yes! No. Yes?”
  • The first Yes expresses your interests – internally focused
  • The No asserts your power
  • The second Yes furthers your relationship – externally focused.
  • Positive No lets you Create What You Want – Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.
  • Positive No lets you Protect What You Value
  • Positive No lets you Change What No Longer Works
• Stage One: Prepare
• 1.1: Uncover Your Yes
  • Go from Reactive to Proactive
  • Take a time-out to think about what you want, cool down from anger.
  • Listen to your emotions – hear them out but don’t act them out
  • Uncover your interests – why are you going to say no
  • Uncover your needs – why do you want this
  • Uncover your values – honesty and integrity
  • After uncovering Interests, Needs, and Values, distill a single Intention that sums it all up. Add specificity by envisioning a positive outcome that would fulfil your intention.
  • Turn your emotions into resolve – providing fuel for action
  • Uncovering your yes grounds you in something positive, gives you a sense of direction, gives you energy.
• 1.2: Empower Your No
  • Develop Positive Power – back up your intention with a Plan B
  • Turn Fear into Confidence – embrace thinking about the worst-case, devise a Plan B
  • Plan B’s should not be fallbacks – it should be an action you can pursue without the agreement of the other party
  • Plan B’s should not be punishment – it should be what you are going to do to further your interests if the other doesn’t cooperate
  • Strengthen your Plan B – Brainstorm a Variety of Plans (eg Do it yourself, Exit, Third parties, Taking Intermediate/Ultimate steps), Building a Winning Coalition
  • Anticipate the other’s Power Moves – Take away their stick, Consider the Worst-Case
  • Reassess Your Decision to Say No – Ask: Do I have the interest in saying No/power to say No, right to say No?
• 1.3: Respect Your Way to Yes
  • Prepare the other to say Yes to your No.
  • Don’t unintentionally reject the other – they may take it personally.
  • Take a Second Look – give yourself the opportunity to look again at someone without fear/anger
  • Listening attentively is the simplest way to show respect.
  • Listen to Understand, Not to Refute
  • Ask Clarifying Questions
  • Acknowledge the Other’s Point of View
  • Let them know you value them – Surprise them with recognition
  • The idea is to “Begin your positive No on a Positive Note”
• Stage Two: Deliver
• 2.4: Express Your Yes
  • Your initial Yes affirms your intention and it explains to the other why you are saying No.
  • Affirming – assert without rejecting – stand on your feet but not on their toes.
  • Explaining – give reasons
  • Stick to the Facts
  • Watch your words – describe without judgment or condemnation – don’t use “should”, or subjective, or categorical language
  • Describe your experience rather than the other’s shortcomings – “I feel…” Express your feelings, Describe your Interests
  • Use “We” – Appeal to Shared Interests, Invoke Shared Standards
  • If you have no concrete reason to say No – just say so
  • Assert your values – assert your value as a human being/corporation etc.
• 2.5: Assert Your No
  • A negative No is a sword of rejection but a positive No protects you without hurting the other.
  • Your identity is defined by what you say No to.
  • How can you be assertive without being aggressive? Use a natural No – let it flow from the Yes you have uncovered.
  • Let it flow from your empowered commitment to a future course of action.
  • Let it flow from your respect for the other – don’t be overly concerned with what the other will think
  • Key words – If you are saying no to demands – No or No Thanks, I Have A Policy, I Have Plans, I Have Another Commitment, Not Now, I Prefer to Decline Rather Than Do a Poor Job,
  • Key words – If saying no to behaviors – Stop!, Hold On!, Wait A Minute!, That is Not OK/Appropriate/Allowed!, This Doesn’t Work for Me, That’s Enough
  • No is a powerful word, so use it sparingly and carefully. Say No without saying “No”
• 2.6: Propose a Yes
  • We typically say what we won’t do but don’t say what we will do. Saying No is an exercise in persuasion not just communication – you want the other to accept your No, to change their behavior while keeping the relationship.
  • Making a proposal gives the other a chance to say No to you, taking away the sting of rejection.
  • Saying no to Demands: Offer a third option – find options for mutual gain, perhaps involving flexibility in timing, making conditional offers, or suggesting a problem-solving process
  • Saying no to Behavior: Make a constructive request – Make it clear, feasible, respectful, and frame it positively
• Stage Three: Follow Through
• 2.7: Stay True to Your Yes
  • Managing their reaction – the other will need time to process your no
  • Understand the stages of acceptance – avoidance, denial, anxiety, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance
  • While they are reacting, Don’t yield, Don’t Attack. Pause Before Responding if the other is in a rage/panic.
  • Name the Game – identify tactics that are being used on you – Flattery, Minimization + Slippery Slope, Guilt and emotional manipulation, Misrepresentation, Personal Attack, Threat, Guilt, False promise.
  • Pinch your Palm to stay calm – a physical action
  • Use the power of not reacting at your opponent’s rage.
  • Help your other move toward acceptance by Listening Respectfully – Paraphrase, Acknowledge their point without conceding yes, Replace “but” with “yes… and”
  • In short – say “Oh? So? No?” oh = acknowledge their point. so = let them run through all tactics. no = stay unmoved.
• 2.8: Underscore Your No
  • Don’t overreact, underscore – emphasize patiently and persistently that No in fact means No. Meet resistance with persistence
  • Repeat your No to the other as often as necessary – formulate an anchor phrase, use intentional repetition, dont abuse your power
  • Educate the other about the consequences of not accepting your No – ask reality-testing questions, warn, don’t threaten, use logical consequences
  • If all this fails, Deploy your plan B – withdraw your cooperation,
• 2.9: Negotiate to Yes
  • The Goal: A positive outcome
  • Build your opponent a golden bridge to advance across – get them to say Yes to Agreement, Approval, Relationship
  • Agreement – Don’t Compromise Essentials, Address Unmet Interests
  • Approval – Help the Other Win Approval from his constituents, Figure out what he will have to say to his constituents, and the best responses to criticisms, Help them save face
  • Relationship – Reach out to the Other, Rebuild Confidence, Replenish your Goodwill Account (look for opportunities to nourish the relationship), End on a Positive Note
• Conclusion: The Marriage of Yes and No
• Practice the positive No: “In order to Accommodate the pleasure of all our guests, this is a non-smoking room. We ask that you smoke in our smoking room, the great outdoors! Thank you!

A great life skill

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